Karls On Dope

I pledge adherence to the principles embodied in the Constitution of the United States. I pledge no allegiance to symbols like tri-colored, stars-and-stripes' patterns, or believe that nations are susceptible to possession (demonic or otherwise), as referenced in the phrase "under god." Patriotism is debased when entangled with a deity, especially the one (inferred) whose nativity was conjured from the ancient ravings of scripture’s Abraham. As Monotheism’s aspiring patriarch, he apparently suffered from an undiagnosed, untreated mental disorder which featured a menacing apparition that commanded he kill his kid. His hallucinations inspired and licensed a cult which begat Judaism which begat Christianity and then Islam. In today's reality he'd be properly dosed with an antipsychotic and committed to somewhere nice because his behavior would indicate a struggle to suppress the desire to harm others. His son Isaac would be placed in foster care. A timely intervention could have prevented the curse of the Abrahamic religions. Their wake of death and destruction continue to this day.

Religion plagues us with abominations like bomb-blasted martyrs who formerly believed they'd be blessed into a fun-but-holy realm where serially knocking-off seventy-two virgins is the special of the day -- every day -- forever. But keeping a tally of the seventy-two in all that excitement would be daunting, especially if the reward runs concurrent and not consecutive. He’d surely lose count after a sixth or seventh virtuous woman (same as losing count after six or seven used ones).

Cruising the pre-martyrdom world must be discouraging for Jihadists, since nowadays the odds of making a love-connection with a virgin are bleak. Dying for love -- literally -- must be some sort of over-compensation for shyness. The "Extremist On The Prowl" handbook recommends visualizing the love-interest's head-scarf as the neck of an offending infidel. This exercise instills in the Jihadi the necessary passion to begin an aggressive "take-no-prisoners" courtship. Here the head-scarf symbolizes what we in the West would consider to be "first base." The young un-martyr may even, surprisingly, develop an attraction to all feminine headgear, including the veils worn by Catholic nuns. He may get lucky. Sometimes a Sister's habits aren't all wearing-apparel -- sometimes they're just plain bad. East may meet West here, in that vanquishing the veiled (virgin or vamp) might reveal itself as a turn-on with cross-cultural appeal.

Self-detonation is a particularly inconsiderate suicide technique as there are no harvestable organs left among Muslim smithereens to bequeath for transplants. The partial-brain Christians like former president Bush (proof of Intelligent Design’s inherent flaw), who opposed embryonic stem-cell research, stifled the hopes of many who wait for scarce vital organs. The organ shortage has raised speculation that medical science could revisit xenotransplantation, a remedy utilizing organs from non-human species -- specifically pigs. Osama bin Laden is reported to need kidney dialysis, and a xenotransplant might help, but the pork factor presents a dilemma since Muslims (and some Jews) consider the pig to be unclean. Also, future side effects are unknown: a post-op guy with the heart of a hog may feel compelled to root for truffles or mount fat white women.

Muslim pork-aversion could be used advantageously for waging the so-called War On Terror. Since the terrorists don’t fear and even welcome death, a warning video could be produced showing that while Muslims face toward Mecca for daily prayers, we also face their sacred direction -- with missiles. But unlike warheads loaded with ordinary explosives, which would have minimal psychological deterrence, distribute videos of these weapons being packed with oinking livestock. Feature a drove of grunting boars and squealing sows ascending towards the fuselage's cargo doors; dramatically enhance the audio that resounds from the gnashing pitter-clatter of their cloven hooves as they strike the on-ramp. A new day in weaponry will dawn as we've loaded (non-cud) ammunition into an offensive, airborne, swine-only, Noah’s Ark with nose cone attachment. For ballast, further stuff the payload with ground pork, pork by-products and fatback basted with bacon grease. Prepare some portion consistent with Pork Bourguignon before sealing. That last flourish sounds a little French, but its intended message screams Patriotism louder than Freedom Fries ever did, and the burgundy flair adds the reviled alcohol, which will ring up a double-shot of Muslim loathing. If the United States threatened to detonate this guided slaughterhouse over Mecca, the imagined horror of this unholy puree deluging Islam’s holiest city should strongly discourage future attacks on America.

To further enhance our security, we must also announce to the world that we no longer unconditionally support Israel like a fifty-first state, that the Palestine’s post 1948 boundaries are not the borders of our homeland, nor are they of our interests. Unlike other countries of the Middle East, the Jewish state can’t threaten to cutback oil production (they can only withhold the grease their lobby applies to our politicians’ palms).

Early in our history, the 1796-97 Treaty of Tripoli strove to reassure Muslims of our new nation’s secular underpinnings. In that document’s article 11, it states in part: "As the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian Religion . . .." Despite that evidence of our Republic's early wisdom, we must still fight ignorance among our citizens. The ACLU rightfully helped cast out the Ten Commandments’ boulder which judge Roy Moore infamously installed in the foyer of the Alabama state courthouse, but defended a Florida woman who fought to wear face-concealing Muslim headgear for her driver’s license photo. Comparing the extent to which today’s cultural outlook has shifted from the sixties and seventies, it’s almost inconceivable that American ideologues associated with the Left were once the terrorists radically committed to blowing up our buildings.

Karl Marx said that religion is the opiate of the masses. Karl Rove, with the Religious Right, refined that opium into heroin and dosed much of the electorate, knowing that the susceptible in their stupor are easier to con. Religion, tobacco and alcohol are all legal, yet they have toxic effects: Tobacco and alcohol shackle with addiction and disease; religion hinders science and interferes with government. To be citizens and not junkies is to realize we’re not in a cartoon with an ending that dope or prayer can alter.
But ladies, don’t discard that burka: Your boyfriend can wear it when he robs that bank.